Staying Clean and Sober in The Everyday World

I have spent most of my life looking for unconditional love, acceptance and fulfillment.  When I was a child my mom sent me to church with whoever asked her.  As a result I have been to many different churches.  In an attempt to find what I was looking for, I was “baptized” several times.  I thought that it would make these people like me.  I never understood why I was doing it.  Since that did not work I ventured out into the world at 17 and I went full force ahead. 

Still searching I tried sex.  I knew enough to know that premarital sex was not approved by God but my thought process went something like this: “If he has sex with me then he will love me and if he loves me he will marry me and if he marries me then I will be OK in Gods sight.  Well as we all know the real world doesn’t work like that.  Of course my promiscuity led to pregnancy. 

Now this must be the answer I thought.  “Children have to love you.  They are required to you know.  They have no choice but to love you unconditionally.”  I guess I thought they came pre-trained.  I had no idea there was so much work involved.  After the second one I was left with no choice.  My children deserved the very best and I was in no shape to give them that.  I knew nothing so I gave them up for adoption so that they would have a good life with people that knew how to care for them. 

I married a man around that time that I thought would provide me with what I was looking for.  On our wedding night he told me, “I’m still going to do what I want to do with whom I want.”  Well I figured that would be OK because I could do the same thing.  One year later my third daughter was born.  My marriage ended in divorce and I returned to the church. 

“I’ll go to church and find a ‘Christian’ man”.  I did and on our second anniversary he informed me he had been molesting my then 7 year old daughter for the last two years.  I was devastated and had no idea what to do.  Still trying to earn my way into heaven I stayed married to him because God hates divorce.  Things got worse and we divorced within the year and I sent him to prison. 

Thus began my downward spiral.  I know what you are thinking: “How much worse can things get?”  I tried alcohol but did not like hangovers and not knowing what I had done the night before.  I married my third husband after having been raped in my own home by a stranger.  This man was an alcoholic and a gambler, a really lousy gambler.  I was actually trying to break up with him.  I told him that we either had to get married or he had to leave.  God does not approve of premarital sex.  We were married less than a week later.  Obviously doomed to fail.  It did.

In November of 1997 I got the brilliant idea to up and move to New Orleans, La. with my daughter who was now 13.  I was finally getting somewhere.  I had a good job, a brand new apartment, a great boyfriend, and was very happy.  I did not have God.  I suppose I was mad at Him because in my mind everything that I had been through was His fault. 

A pictoral essay of my stuggles can be found here.

My daughter and I moved back to K.C., Mo. in the summer of 1998.  That was a fiasco so in 2001 we went back to N.O.   This is where I really lost it.  I had tried drugs on occasion before but had never gotten “hooked”.  In walked crack cocaine.  Now I was hooked, line and sinker.I lost everything this time.  My apartment, my job, my stuff, myself, and my daughter moved out on her own.  Basically she had to.  During the next couple of years I was arrested several times and spent most nights on the street.  I was not poor.  I was supporting my $200-$500 a day habit by tying balloons on Bourbon Street.

THIS IS WHAT I DID TO EARN MY MONEY FOR “CRACK”

In December of 2004 I was finally arrested for possession of paraphernalia.  Now God had me where He could speak to me.  I actually listened (some).  I found a passage in the Bible that I knew was for me.

Eze 36:22 Therefore say unto the house of Israel, Thus saith the Lord GOD; I do not this for your sakes, O house of Israel, but for mine holy name’s sake, which ye have profaned among the heathen, whither ye went. Eze 36:23 And I will sanctify my great name, which was profaned among the heathen, which ye have profaned in the midst of them; and the heathen shall know that I am the LORD, saith the Lord GOD, when I shall be sanctified in you before their eyes. Eze 36:24 For I will take you from among the heathen, and gather you out of all countries, and will bring you into your own land. Eze 36:25 Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you. Eze 36:26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. Eze 36:27 And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them. Eze 36:28 And ye shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; and ye shall be my people, and I will be your God. Eze 36:29 I will also save you from all your uncleannesses: and I will call for the corn, and will increase it, and lay no famine upon you.

This was me.  I knew that I did not deserve His love but He loved me anyway.  I could not wait to tell someone so I ran around the dorm showing EVERYONE.  I got out in January of 2005.  My sentence was 6 months probation and $450 fines and fees.  I could make that in a week and still get an apartment.  I faced the world with a new attitude.  “Even if you don’t like me God still loves me.”  Well this was short lived because my idols were strong.  Even though God was stronger I gave into the desires of my flesh and was back in jail by early May.  It was a misdemeanor and I figured on getting right back out.  God had other plans.  My mother informed me that they would be keeping me for the 6 months as I had not paid anything on my fines and fees.  I finally gave into the idea of staying there.  God said I had it made; I did not have to worry about anything.  I had 3 meals a day, a warm place to sleep, and clean clothes to wear.  One of the other girls loaned me her Bible and I began to study (all day everyday).  40 days after I began my real walk with the Lord I was unexpectedly called to court.  When I left the courtroom God had vacated my sentence, eliminated my fines and fees, and the judge publicly apologized to me.  Go figure.  This time I was on FIRE for the Lord.  I ran to church and was baptized for the right reason (because I loved Jesus and wanted to show the world my devotion to Him).  I got an apartment and was doing pretty well.  Attending church and getting involved in ministry.

Along came Katrina (hurricane).  I was not scared because I knew the Lord was with me.  I slept through the hurricane.  When the levy broke I went to the “Convention Center”.  From there I was shipped to Fort Chaffee, Ar.  I knew that God had told me to go home to Mo. but I refused.  He has a way of getting His way. 

Before I returned to Mo. I went to Richmond, Va.  I would really like to no whose idea it was to put all those “crack heads” up in motel rooms with food and $2000.  That’s just plain crazy.  Anyway while I was there my mother passed away.  I now had no choice but to return to Mo. as I was her only heir. 

I dreaded the trip and put it off as long as I could.  In Dec of 2005 I arrived (one year after my original arrest to the day).  I have been clean and sober ever since that day. 

God truly did delver me from all my idols.  He also put a new heart and His spirit in me.  He also gave me the land that He had given my mother.  I no longer suffer reproach by people here or any where.  He also gave me back my daughter.  She is living with me and attending college to become a clinical psychologist.  I am poor in money now but I am extremely rich in spirit.I finally found the unconditional love, acceptance, and fulfillment that I was looking for.  I want to tell the world about Jesus.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS