Staying Clean and Sober in The Everyday World

What is enabling and how is it harmful to the addict?  Am I an enabler?  Is enabling a codependent behavior?  Sometimes well meaning family members actually are harmful to an addict.  Their actions can actually contribute further to the addiction.  Rather than helping as they intend they are actually hurting and do not even realize it.  Enabling the addict takes on many forms and can, itself, become an addiction to the one who is enabling.

We want to protect our loved one and so we do things like pay his bills.  We will lie for him and make excuses for his behavior trying to gain sympathy for the addict.  We bail them out of jail and clean up their messes.  All of these things enable the addict to continue in their addiction.  As I have said before,  as long as the addict sees no need to quit, they will continue.  Part of hitting “rock bottom” is when they are no longer being enabled by those around them.  This is just more “tough love”.  It is much tougher on the enabler than it is on the addict.  Do you remember when your parent would say “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you”?  Such is the case when you stop enabling.  I recommend Al-Anon to help you through the rough spots as you begin to stop enabling your addict.

Below are several examples of enabling behavior.  Examine yourself carefully and honestly to see if these apply to you.  If they do then STOP.  You will soon begin to see changes in you and your loved one.  He will be angry and hurt at first and accuse you of not loving him any more.  That is why it is called “tough love”.  These are also examples of codependency in many cases.  If you remember we discussed the symptoms of codependency as being very similar to addiction.  Isn’t your loved one doing the same things as you are?  The only difference is that the addict is using a chemical and you are not.

Examples of enabling behaviors include:

• Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling the alcoholic’s boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager’s drug use as ‘just a phase’)
• Paying their bills
• Bailing them out of jail
• Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors
• Ignoring the problems caused by the addict’s use ( financial, employment, legal)
• Cleaning up their messes
• Accepting their excuses or believing their lies
• Not discussing the problem of their chemical use
• Not getting help for yourself

© 2005 eGetgoing, Inc. | Policies, Privacy & Health Information Practices | Last Updated: 11/21/2008

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