Staying Clean and Sober in The Everyday World

     Why don’t addicts grieve like everyone else? Addicts have suppressed their ability to grieve. We have spent years perfecting the art of suppressing our emotions. We have learned how to “drown our sorrows” in our addiction. When we start down the road to recovery we too wonder why we can’t grieve like “normal” people.

         From a personal perspective: When my mom died right after Katrina it was just too much for me. I was suffering through a relapse in my recovery and this news was overwhelming. I shut down emotionally. Here I am 1000 miles from anyone I knew already feeling guilt over my relapse and now you tell me my mother is dead. No way. I went and got high as quick as I could. That was all I knew to do. I did regain control about a month later feeling even more guilt. I went into depression as I boarded the bus for my hometown. Whenever I did show any kind of emotion, it was either the wrong kind or too much. I had no control. Those who have gone through the emotions of menopause can relate. I had to learn emotions all over again. I was fortunate enough to have help through a mentor who was quick to tell me what was right. I was a willing student so today I can say that I am pretty much back to “normal” whatever that is.         You can not expect someone to show emotions when they just don’t know how. Please do not hold it against your loved one when they do not respond in a way you expect. Inside they are feeling pain and do not know how to express it. That is why they so often return to their addiction in a time of crisis. That is familiar to them and they feel comfortable. Much like you do when you sit to watch TV and tune out what is going on around you.

    All I can say to you is try to remember that addiction is a disease.  You can never control other people, places, or things.  The only thing you can ever have control over is your own reactions to a situation.  The addict can not even do that while they are still in their addiction.  The addiction itself is in control most of the time.  We do have moments of sane thinking and then comes the call of our addiction and we are off again.  Once we begin our recovery we look at these times and can see the insanity of them and learn to laugh at it.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Are you insane today?  Try doing it differently.

     We spoke briefly on the 28^th about WHAT IS AN ADDICTION????.  Today I want to tell you about things that are common addictions other than the typical drugs and alcohol.  These are just as harmful to the body and mind however we do not generally consider them when talking about addictions.  Granted for the most part I will be focusing on drugs and alcohol in most of my posts but today I’m feeling the need to reach out.  There is actually a list about a mile long of things that people are addicted to other than drugs or alcohol.

Here are 20:

1. Sex
2. Coffee
3. Gaming
4. Smoking
5. Eating
6. Credit Card Debt
7. Stealing
8. Lying
9. Pack Ratting
10. Organizing
11. Work
12. Sleep
13. Porn
14. Internet
15. Cleaning
16. Shopping
17. Candy or Gum
18. Clothes or Shoes
19. Sports
20. Hobbies

     “How can some of these things hurt me?” you might ask.  Anything that is done in excess is harmful to you in that you put your whole thought process into that one thing.  Typically these are known as obsessions.  If you are obsessed with something then you ignore other important aspects of your life.  An example from my own life is my daughters’ addiction to the internet game called WOW (World Of Warcraft).  In and of it self playing this game is not bad.  When the problem arises is when she loses sleep, forgets to eat, can’t even leave the game long enough to hold a conversation.  She moves from the game to the bed and back again.  She does take a small time out for her college classes in the evening.  Us addicts call that a “working addict”.  Many addicts take time enough from their addiction to go to a job.      Then there are those people whose job is their addiction.  They are known as “workaholics”.  When work time is over but you just can not seem to pull away from the job or you take work home with you every night and work late into the night you might be a “workaholic”.  This is a particularly hard one to break because such people are share the dual addiction of money.  If you give up those long hours you also give up some of that money.  The family suffers the loss of you more than they do the loss of money.  You will find that out in recovery.  Let’s pick on someone else.     How about pack ratting?  Oh, here is another one I am personally familiar with.  You see my mom was a pack rat.  “Don’t throw that away we might need it.”  The day finally comes when you need it and you can not find it for all the other things that are in the way that you might need.  So you go buy another one (well you get the picture).  After my mom passed away I came back her house.  Now it is my house.  I walk in and there is a very small path to the kitchen, bathroom, and the bed.  In one room you could not add a shoe.  It was piled wall to wall and ceiling to floor.  It took me two weeks to clear that room alone.  The house was a fire hazard not to mention the fact that you could not clean because everything was in the way so it was a health hazard as well.     I will not go through the whole list.  I’m sure that you are intelligent people and can see for your self how each of these things can be an addiction.  The point I am really trying to make here is this.  There are many forms that the spirit of addiction takes other than drugs or alcohol.  It is a cunning and baffling disease which will require some form of help.  As I said in another article there is help out there.  Even for most of these obsessions. 

     A friend told me of a 12 step group she attends called DA (Debtors Anonymous).  There is Overeaters Anonymous and Workers Anonymous and many others.  There is also counseling for these disorders.  Call a counseling center in your area and they will have more information.  We usually do not concern our selves with these addictions because we do not consider them to be life threatening.  Some of them are. 

     I heard on the news last year of a woman who died in her house fire because the firemen could not find their way through the stacks of boxes to get to her.  These boxes were filled with money.  How about the suicides caused by loosing their job. 

THIS IS JUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT.  I’m in no way saying everyone who participates in one of these activities is an addict.  Just be mindful of the time you spend and what you spend it on.  Is it becoming obsessive?  If you don’t know for sure then you might want to ask someone else.  So often we do not see the truth in ourselves when it so easy to see it in someone else.

I received a question yesterday from one of our readers.  She wants to know where is “rock bottom”?   She tells of a family member that keeps going further down and wants to know where the bottom is.  Each time the family thinks this person has hits the bottom they begin again and go further down.  Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease that affects each person differently just as any other disease does.  As with other diseases, each person has to determine for them self when they have suffered enough and are ready to seek a cure.  What would appear to be the worst does not seem that bad when lost in addiction.  One thing that addicts have is the ability to see others who are worse off than they are.  This helps them to justify to themselves continuing in their own addiction.  Because their loved ones can not see things in the same way they are not able to comprehend why the addict continues to use.  Only another addict can possibly relate to this strange concept.  The best answer I can give you is this.  Rock bottom occurs when you can no longer stand the pain in your life.  I did not say the pain you are causing others.  It is when you can no longer stand the pain you are causing yourself.  At this point you are ready to find a way out.  There are several ways it can end at this point.  Jail, hospital, suicide, or recovery is a few paths that have been taken.   

Recovery in the loved one is what is desired by the family of course.  Recovery can be found in a variety of forms which we have previously discussed and links to some of these can be found at the top of the page under HELP.  I do have to go over some of the other things in order to maintain honesty here.  As I stated yesterday and can not emphasize enough honesty is essential to recovery.  So that said I continue. 

Jail is good.  “Are you crazy?” you ask.  “I do not want my loved one in jail, there must be something else.”  Now before you get schizoid on me allow me to explain the benefits of jail.  The addict is in a relatively safe environment.  I have lived on the streets and believe me it is safer in jail any day.  They do not have ready access to their addiction unless they have plenty of money.  In jail they can detox and hopefully see their predicament.  This is what is called “tough love”, allowing the addict to suffer the consequences of their actions.  It is not easy for either of you and I will not insult you by saying it is.  We addicts call it a “wake up call”.  I will discuss more on jail at a later date.  For now let’s stick to the bottom. 

Hospital is not desired but does sometimes provide the needed “wake up call”.  When an addict wakes up in the hospital they must face the reason they are there.  Do not be surprised if they check out against clinical advice (ACA).  This is common.  They are not to the bottom yet at least not their bottom, maybe yours, but remember they see things in a different light.   

Now for the big one, I saw you cringe when I mentioned suicide.  This is a way that far too many addicts take.  If this has happened in your family I send my deepest condolences to you.  I will say that I have heard many stories over the years of how an addict friends suicide turned someone else’s’ life around.  Please try to take some comfort in that if you can.  What I really want to discuss briefly is what to watch for and what to do if there are signs of suicide. 

If your loved one tells you they are going to commit suicide and they tell you how they are going to do it then you need immediate professional assistance.  Call one of these numbers immediately. 

• 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) ·
• 1-888-SUICIDE (1-888-784-2433) ·
• 1-877-SUICIDA (1-877-784-2432) (Spanish). 

If you suspect your loved one to be contemplating suicide and simply need for more information about national suicide prevention help in general, visit the SAMHSA Web site at: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

I hope this has helped in some way.  Rock bottom is different for different people and no one can predict just where that will be, when “enough is enough”.  I will say that you are not helping if you give into them all the time.  You are only prolonging their disease.  Sorry addicts but you know I’m right. 

Let’s just get this part out of the way.  The things we need to know.  What is addiction?  Am I an addict? Is my family member an addict?  Where do I go for help with my addiction?  Is there anything the family can do to help during recovery?  Is there help for the family?  Will I ever regain their trust? What are addictive behaviors? 

These and many more questions are running through your mind as you start your recovery.  We will cover all your questions in upcoming posts.  Today we want to touch briefly on some of the main topics. 

Let’s start with the definition of an addict.  An addict is someone who just can’t stop on their own.  Stop what you may ask.  Stop whatever.  Not what you expected is it?  The saying goes “One is too many and a thousand is not enough”.  Once the addict takes the first one they will not stop until there is no other option.  For me it was when I could no longer keep my eyes open long enough to lift my crack pipe.  Then I passed out, woke up a day or two later, and started the whole thing over.  Some addicts are not as severe as I was but the urge to partake is just as strong.   

That brings us to the question of whether or not you are an addict.  My answer to you is this.  Once you partake of whatever it is, can you take just one and sit and watch everyone else the rest of the night without a desire to partake?  The key to my question is “desire”, not will.  Is the desire there and is it strong.  If you answered yes to this then you may be addicted and should look into some help. 

The help question, what kind of help is available?  There are too many options to name right here.  A lot depends on the severity of the addiction and your desire (there is that word again) to quit.  By severity I mean “have you hit bottom yet”.  No one can answer that question but you yourself.  Many will try to tell you it is time to quit (at least your real friends will) but only you know when it is time.   

All I can give you are some guidelines to go by.  Be honest with your answers.  That is something you will learn along your road to recovery.  This is an honest program.  Without honesty you will fail.  “But Cathy, you leave no hope in that statement.”  Without honesty to your self and to others there is no hope of success.  I do not want to get your hopes up for them to come crashing down on you.  I am here to give you the bitter truth.  I’m sorry if you feel it is too hard.  Come back when you can be honest with yourself about how desperate your situation is.  I’ll be here with open arms. 

Ask yourself these questions:  Can I stop on my own?  Have I tried to quit and failed?Do I pay my bills before I indulge?Do I borrow to feed my habit?Do I steal to feed my habit?Do I lie to feed my habit?Am I trying to hide my habit from those around me?Have I been in jail due to anything surrounding my habit?Have I run up my credit cards to feed my habit? 

These are just a few questions to get you started.  If you answered yes to any of these questions then you know whether you are an addict and do not need me to tell you.  The good news is that there is help available to you.  There are treatment facilities.  These include private, state ran, and my personal favorite, Christian.  Whichever one you choose keep in mind what I said earlier about honesty.  Another option which is absolutely free is any number of 12 step programs.  These are a group of people in the same boat as you with varying times of recovery that meet on a regular basis to help each other with recovery.  These groups are also available for families.  They are support groups.  Another more expensive alternative is counseling.  A good treatment center will offer out-patient counseling as well as in- patient facilities.   

I have included a HELP page which you can find at the top with links to some of these types of treatments.  Browse through them and see what is for you. 

     This phrase is all too common for us.  We know, we believe it, we live it.  We have to.  Our very lives depend on our ability to live this phrase.  It sounds so simple to those of you who are not familiar with our disease but for those of us who have been there we know what a struggle this can be at times.  You may wonder why I am so sure of myself.  I would encourage you to check out my testimony at the top of this page.  You see I now have 3 years clean from crack cocaine.  It has not always been easy and at times I still struggle to give it to my higher power.  I will say that it has been a very enjoyable trip getting here. 

     What I want to do here is give information to the recovering addicts, their families, and to those who are looking into recovery.  It is not what you have done in the past that counts but what you do today, this next moment.  You can do it just like countless others before you.  I will be sharing with you one testimony per week as well as sources to help you in your recovery.  This is your site so please, if you want to share your testimony or ask questions, or just be heard then leave a comment.  I by no means have all of the answers but I will make every attempt to find out for you.

     there are many avenues to begin your recovery.  A treatment center is a good option.  There are also 12 Step programs available almost everywhere.  Check your phonebook.  We will get into the details of many of these things in the coming days.

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